Monday, February 25, 2008

Bond, Jane Bond

I don't think that Homeland Security is involved with Little League, but on Saturday it sure felt that way. We signed up my 13 year old for what I hope was Spring softball; but given the extensive security screening, one of us may now be part of the Secret Service.

Our adventure began innocently enough at a table in our small town's elementary school gym where I was asked to present my daughter's birth certificate. Oh, snap, I had forgotten to bring it, but I assured them that my girl had indeed been born and the evidence was standing right next to me in her Converse shoes and sweats. (Since she'd played softball last year, thankfully the certificate was still on file. I was quite relieved--I'd hate to have to show them my C-section scar and stretch marks to prove a point.) Next, I was instructed to hand over my driver's license. Wow, carded by the Little League board! I told them how flattering it was to be mistaken for a teenage softball player, but that I was not the one who was going to be playing, only watching. But according to the LL authorities, I had to prove that I also had been born, or at the very least, that I was a resident of our county. The license was taken to a top secret area where it was photo-copied, or fingerprinted or scanned by the FBI or Secret Service or something and then returned.

The next step involved providing our address--no problem there. We're not in the witness protection program (yet) and I do remember where we live. After passing that test, I was given a small copy of a map of our county on which I was instructed to locate and circle the exact location of our home. As a 40-something who is in major denial about my failing eyesight, I couldn't even see the lines on the map, much less find my street. And since I had no idea I was going to be required to have microscopic vision that day I hadn't brought my special secret spy gear. . . er. . . $2 Wal-mart reading glasses. So to cover all our bases (pun intended) I drew a really large circle (probably at least a 30 mile radius) in an area on the map I thought was reasonably close to the location of our home. I'm not sure why, but apparently all of this must have something to do with national security or global warming or whether my daughter can hit a softball or not, at least in this county.

On to the uniform fitting station. While we were deciding upon the appropriate sizes, someone else approached me and asked for my driver's license, again. I thanked them (again) for mistaking me for a teenager, and begrudgingly handed the license over, explaining that I'd already proven my existence earlier, and drawn my circle and that I was still only going to be a spectator. Somehow the copies they'd made earlier had already disappeared they said, and they needed to make more. Disappeared. . . yes. . . disappeared. . . They were probably half way to Washington by now. Signing up for LL this time had more security checks than when my husband and I went to see the President in Atlanta a few years ago. Could I really look that suspicious? Has someone on the LL board read my blog and discovered that I once harbored a fugitive baby white owl named Bird Reynolds? Was I being featured on "Punk'd"? Was I a punk? Was Friendly somehow involved? These questions and more have yet to be answered, but after paying the required fee, we were allowed to leave the premises. It was then that we noticed the number on her jersey--007. Hmmm.

(Just kidding about the 007 part ;-)

19 comments:

Lori said...

well doesn't THAT sound like a trip!!! jeez louise!!! is this procedure new...my boys are not doing b ball this year {very sad} but from what i remember of last year {who am i kidding, i can barely remember last week}...where was i...oh yes, there was a simple form to be filled out and a check to be handed over...i don't remember any of this cloak and dagger routine...crazy!!!

Hallowed Hill Primitives said...

I m snorting into my coffee. You are too funny, Cathy!

Sarah

Amongst The Oaks said...

Ah yes...security.
I think it's all gotten a little out of hand, don't you? To even go on a field trip on the bus with our kids here, I had to get fingerprinted. They were sent to the State Attorney General's Office for approval, which took two weeks. And, we have to prove that we actually live at our address by showing an electric company bill with our name on it. Awk!
Hugs, Laura

Esther Sunday said...

FANTASTIC! Thanks for the good laugh here at work. My daughter plays softball too so I know what you went through! LOLWWMP (laughing out loud while wetting pants) See ya! Love, Esther

Jules~ said...

oh my goodness what an ordeal you went thru. It sounds like you handled it all with great humor though. Thank you for sharing in the comedy.

Mary Isabella said...

You are to funny. Have a wonderful night...Mary

Doreen said...

Wow, that sounds like a bit much..why on earth did they need to know the location of your house??? I love visiting your blog, you make me laugh out loud every time!

Thanks for stopping by my blog and leaving me a lovely comment. You are a sweetheart

~Blessings,
Doreen

Cathy ~ Tadpoles and Teacups said...

It was a bit much!! And in all honesty, I think it has something to do with making sure that everyone who signs up lives in the county. But if someone was that intent on "crossing county lines" a map isn't going to make a difference.
:-)

Kari & Kijsa said...

LOL....you are the best...we are about to sign up for baseball...I am a little concerned we won't make it through....LOL...

Have a blessed day!

smiles, kari & kijsa

Debbie Miller of Onion Patch said...

Well, now when your daughter hits a home run they will know precisely who she is! LOL too funny!

Artsy-Craftsy Merchant said...

Well done. Loved the writing...the story (real life) that was told...it was wonderful! You gave me quite a chuckle. We should have lunch some time...I just live up in Chattanooga. If ever heading North...

NeereAnDear said...

What an absolutely hysterical post! Made my day/evening... I can not imagine going through all that but then again ... I have paid my dues there so glad I dont have to worry about I spy..

HUGS

JO

Lorraine said...

LOL!!! That's CRAZY!! Thankfully, we didn't have to do that for LL up here..but we did get $65 worth of tickets to sell for the fundraiser...now, travel soccer...they needed proof of birth..I guess to be sure we have no 12 year olds playing U8 soccer...

BittersweetPunkin said...

LOL...sounds like one of my days! You are funny!
Hugs,
Robin

Suzanne said...

Good Grief! Did they give you an eye scan too? Lol! That was quite the ordeal...and you tell it so well! You always make me laugh Cathy!

*retro-rudolphs* said...

Cathy,
What's with the map? Perhaps they were scouting to see if your yard was big enough to play a game in.

Thank you for another wonderful glimpse into your life, you always leave us ROFL.

;)
Lori

cindy said...

Sorry for that...but tooo funny! Glad you survived it!

c

Dapoppins said...

What a stinkin hassle. This is why all my children are invisible.

claudia said...

Oh Cathy! I so love your sense of humor! I laughed so hard I had a side ache! If you can't have a sense of humor these days life would get to be way too overwhelming....glad you have one!!!